Spider-Man 3
May 10th, 2007
Things learned (and wondered) from Spider-Man 3 (Potential Spoiler Alert)
Part of a series, apparently: (X-Men III, Star Wars: Episode III) (I’ll eventually do one for a movie that’s not part III)
1.) What is AMC’s movie policy on getting your money back when a movie is remarkably terrible. Will they refund part of the ticket price? Perhaps pay for emotional damage?
2.) Seriously - keep your mask on. I’m here to watch Spider-man, not Toby Maguire wearing tights.
3.) You too Venom.
4.) Oh, and to the Osborne butler who finally decided to confess to Harry that his father was indeed killed by his own glider - Couldn’t you have mentioned that a little sooner? Perhaps before Harry went apeshit and started beating the shit out of his best friend? Maybe before he has half is face burnt by a pumpkin bomb?
5.) I’m sure Alfred could kick your ass.
6.) Oh, nice - Peter accepts Sandman’s apology and all is right with the world. Nevermind the police officer and SWAT team members he just sandbagged.
7.) I was wishing Doc Ock would’ve jumped on that bridge and bitch slapped a crying Peter Parker eight times.
8.) At one point in the movie I was expecting to see Daredevil perched on top of the church steeple to have a conversation with Spidey:
Daredevil: Wow, I thought my movie sucked. I’ve never been so glad to be blind.
Spider-Man: Dude, that’s harsh.
Daredevil: No, seriously. You just spent a good 5 minutes crying like a 3 year old girl getting a phone call from Alec Baldwin.
Spider-Man: C’mon, my girlfriend, played by Kirsten Dunst, doesn’t want to marry me.
Daredevil: Ah. The hot chick I banged, played by Jennifer Garner, fucking dies.
Spider-Man: Shit.
[Elektra swings by]
Elektra: It’s okay though, they resurrect me later for my own movie. Which, I might add, didn’t suck as much as this one.
Daredevil: Hey! You’re alive! Hey, wait a sec - why wasn’t I invited to your movie?
Elektra: Well, you were - but they cut you out.
Daredevil: But, but, why?
Elektra: Have you seen Gigli?
Catwoman: Hey, is this a meeting of the Bad Comic Book Movie Club? I was hoping to find The Hulk here.
Elektra: Um, aren’t you from the DC universe?
Catwoman: Yeah, but my writer apparently doesn’t give a shit about comic book storylines anyways.
Spider-Man: Hey, should we leave room for Iron Man, just in case?
9.) I might not buy the DVD when it comes out. Which is weird, ’cause I seem to own every modern Marvel movie, ‘cept The Hulk. If I do purchase it, I can guarantee you that I will be skipping past the Saturday Night Live homage. I may even burn a copy of the DVD (for myself, of course) editing that part out. If I can somehow take an Exacto knife to the DVD and scratch the exact chapter in which that part is located so it skips and moves on to the next chapter on the disc, I will do so. I may even do so in any part which Mary Jane sings. And the crying on the bridge scene as well.
10.) If parts 4, 5, and 6 ever do get made - Bruce Campbell better be in it.
2 Responses to “Spider-Man 3”
1clare
May 21st, 2007 @ 12:52 am
Haha! Wow. I wasn’t that interested in Spider-Man 3, but now I am really not interested. Of course, sometimes it’s fun to rent such movies to watch at home where commenting aloud about the movie would help ease the emotional pain of watching it. Is it worth renting at least?
2lorcy
May 22nd, 2007 @ 9:57 pm
excellent stuff, finally finished a Spider-Man 3 review over at my site good to see other people feel the same way, I don’t think X2 has been topped a perfect superhero adaptation. There is a tendency when the third film comes around not to even bother with sense logic characters etc., like we’ll be so wowed that it’s Spider-Man 3 that we won’t care…
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